The Moth Apocalypse and the Turtle That Tried to Drive

Loretta Humble
Loretta Humble

Critters are not being kind to me, as hard as I try to be kind to them.

Well, I try to be kind to most living things. I’ll admit, I haven’t tried hard to be kind to the moths, even though they are defenseless little buggers. They make you crazy while they are flying around your head, but when they do land, they just sit there waiting to be swatted. What they do bad is get in your cereal and stuff like that and reproduce faster than you can imagine. While I was away from my home in the country, they ate and had sex in all the dry food they could get into and then headed out into the bathroom where they preceded to take over the ceiling as their nursery. Apparently that blown-on ceiling stuff contains something moth-edible. I spray them and swat them, and more keep coming. Just like the Zombie Apocalypse. I think I have them on the run now. I hope.

The moths had a lot of help. I swear the mice were just biting little holes in things so the moths could get in, because usually they didn’t eat what they opened. They just ran around, leaving a big mess wherever they went, which was everywhere. One day I opened the my pantry door and came face to face with one of them, sitting on a pickle jar, just looking at me, with his little tail curled up behind him. He was really cute. It is hard to want to kill something that cute, so I set live traps. I finally caught him, at least I think it was him, because I got him right beside the pickle jar. I took him for a ride to the country. I thought maybe he was the only trouble maker, or maybe I’d scared the others off, as I didn’t see any more signs for a week or two. But this morning I found they’d raided my peaches. Okay, this is getting serious now. I’m thinking about a cat. That wouldn’t be me killing them. It would just be nature at work. In the meantime I’ll bait the live trap again. Maybe I’ll get several.

This is getting personal now. I’m thinking about a cat. That wouldn’t be me killing them. It would just be nature taking its course. In the meantime, I’ll bait the live trap again.

But what I was really wanting to tell you is how the turtle I was saving nearly got me killed or at least in serious trouble. He was in the middle of the road, and I passed him, figuring if he got run over it was his own fault. But I got to thinking about what if he got hit, not killed, but his shell cracked, and it took him a really long time to die. So I turned around, picked him up, and put him in my floorboard, aiming to put him in the woods at the nursing home. Everything was fine till I approached the railroad here in town and went to slow down, but instead sped up. My brakes were gone—nothing! Luckily no train was coming, but I was barreling towards town, and I couldn’t stop. (I know, I know, I have an emergency brake. But I didn’t think of that.) Right at the last minute I screeched around the corner and headed west on Railroad Street. Halfway down that street I remembered to turn off the ignition. But that didn’t seem to do anything much. I was still going. I got to the First Baptist parking lot, and went round and round until it finally stopped. I still don’t understand why it kept going as long as it did after I turned the key off.

I thought the car had gone crazy. It took me a while to figure out it was the turtle. He had lodged himself firmly under the brake, and I now think the reason I was going so fast while I was trying to stop, was that while he was pushing up on the brake, he was also pushing down on the gas.

I had a tough time dislodging him, but I finally got him loose and headed for the nursing home with him. I left him in the car and rushed i to tell as many people as possible how I nearly got myself killed. They just shook their heads. I get that reaction fairly often.
When I went to release him, I had a hard time finding him. He was wedged way up under the back seat. I guess he was kind of scared too. But I’m pretty sure he scared me more than I scared him.

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